"I'm not in the mood", Is This Stress?

Hormones affect our sex drive, sexual response, and many different functions within our body. When testosterone or estrogen levels go down, sexual desire may go down. Sometimes people will blame menopause, bad moods, too much alcohol, PMS, medications and many other medical problems, all of which may affect sex drive, and the sexual pleasure and response. That's the easy part.

On the other hand, before we all call our doctors to test our hormone levels, we should consider that there are many factors in our life which will affect "being in the mood", with the main culprit being psychological issues. Remember, the issue goes both ways. For example, when we think about it, most people realize that feelings of anxiety, guilt, pressure, over-work, exhaustion, depression and/or self-consciousness (e.g., feeling fat, feeling inadequate), all have the same effect: we feel less sexy. On the other hand, sociability, feelings of self confidence, feeling happy, being in a wonderful relationship, and even possibly feeling somewhat exhibitionist may all have the same effect: we may feel more sexy.

Some of the more common psychological issues which may affect whether or not and how often we feel in the mood for sex include the following:

· Stress

· Depression

· Anxiety

· History of sexual abuse

· Fatigue for any reason

· Body image conflict

· Relationship issues-compatibility, power struggles, acceptance, ease of communication

· Distractibility

· Aging: beliefs about sexuality

· Self concept ("I'm really attractive to others", versus, "I'm really ugly/who would want me?")

If you are afflicted with any one of these issues on a regular basis, the quickest and most reliable help for you to a better sex life is to seek professional consultation with a health-care professional, or sex counselor. Another option, of course, is try some remedies through information you obtain yourself on-line, through reading, from peers, etc.

If the issue is chronic stress and resulting fatigue, then consider the following to improve your energy and lower your stress level:

· Practice meditation daily

· Exercise daily to release tension

· Acknowledge, and savor the memory of, having done something positive everyday.

· Avoid alcohol as stress reliever because it ultimately negatively changes our hormone functions

· Seek out some relationship activity which makes you feel good about yourself with your partner or alone

Here are some examples:

· Take a moment to lie back, close your eyes, relax, and think of something about you that's sexy or sexually appealing. It could be something you like to do sexually. Imagine it, and savor it. Think of how you might use that with your sexual partner. Think of a way to tell your partner about it. Now, tell him/her.

· Think about something you might like to try - a foot massage, for example. Plan when you'll do it. Tell it to your partner.

· Plan some private time with your partner just to spend a few moments lightly touching or cuddling.

· Write or send something to your partner - a note, a card, an e-mail, telling your partner something special you'd like to do together that's not a big time consumer or expense - maybe some warm body lotion will do.

· Plan a "vacation" evening (even an hour will do) that's devoted to you and your partner and physical touching or cuddling. Music helps to set a mood. Just listening together may be a good start. It doesn't have to be anything more than that.

· Practice giving yourself positive suggestions to feel good about yourself.

· When your workday is over, leave your thinking about work at work. Remember, the work will be there tomorrow. You deserve time for yourself. Tell yourself, "I'm on vacation from work now."

Anything that you do to lower tension level within your body on a day-to-day basis will lower the stress factor as a barrier to feeling good about your sex life.