Signs of Family Stress

How well does your family cope with stress?

To help you answer this question requires that you consider the way your family communicates. The following events are common signs that the family system has some difficulty in coping and communicating:

Children have frequent tension-related symptoms:

· Nail-biting

· Prolonged stuttering

· Bed-wetting beyond the age of six

· On-going difficulties at school

· Years of tantrum behavior

Other family symptoms may include:

· Escalating arguments between parents and children that seldom end in resolution.

· Parents and children "never" argue and fight. This condition is unrealistic.

· Extreme tension and uproar at dinnertime and bedtime

· Not being able to talk about feelings and certain "taboo" topics such as sex, violence, drugs, and politics.

· Children are seldom included in decision-making

· Extremely long periods of silence whenever there is conflict and disagreement.

· Family seems threatened by what outsiders think.

· Unspoken understanding or rule that anger must be controlled. This limitation often leads individual family members to develop migraine headaches, backache, or other physical pain or symptom.

· Family members don't seem to listen or hear what is said when there is disagreement.

· Disagreement is a battle over "who is right." There seems to be a power struggle over who will win and dominate.

· Decisions seem never to be made by any one person.

· Disagreements and resentments lead to continual alienation. At least one family member withdraws from the conflict and may not be seen for days or years. Father and mother may silently smolder while going about their daily business.

· Conversations never stay on the topic long enough to arrive at any resolution.

· The household is seldom quiet. There is a sense of pandemonium and/or noise.

· Individual family members seem to be "doing their own thing" with minimal interaction.

· The family must all do things as a group with little tolerance for separate and independent action.

· Spouses are having affairs - with others, with work, or with a hobby. This isolates a family member. Other members are usually anxious, suspicious, and depressed.

· Spouses have an unsatisfying sex life

· Affection and physical contact are seldom if ever communicated

· Family members get unexplainable illnesses-e.g., stomachaches, headaches, colds, intestinal distress. Or family members seem to alternate getting ill.

If these examples do not give you enough clues as to whether your support system is having trouble coping, consider the following:

· Do you look forward to going home after a day at work or after a day away from the family? If not, your family is probably not supportive.

· Do you find that conflict and disagreement bring you and your family to greater understanding of each other and ultimately, closer together? Or do you find that it leads to alienation, isolation, and further tension? Such negative, stress-producing conflict isn't supportive.

· Do you find yourself being frequently critical of other family members, or they of you? If so, you or they have anger that has not been expressed or resolved.

· Do you find yourself or your partner making up "reasons" not to have sex or not to engage in some activity initiated by you?

· Do you feel free to say what's on your mind without fear of being put down or discounted?

Each of these questions and patterns of behaviors reflect some form of problem in communication. They are listed to help give you some idea of how well your family copes with stress.