Fighting Fair: Fighting for Change

When "My way or the highway" becomes your response to a problem, beware: fighting has become "dirty". People who seek that level of control do not value the thoughts, feelings, and/or actions of others as much as they value their own. The other person is left to feel discounted, under-valued, without your respect, and perhaps, angry and resentful. When others are provoked to feel bad about themselves, it leads to a destructive cycle. Instead of resolution, others fight back either actively through the use of hostile remarks or passively through silence. Attacking your opponent's self-esteem ultimately fails to bring about any change.

Fighting Fair

Keep in mind the following communication tactics will help you fight fairly and effectively:

• Avoid name-calling, insults, and the use of profane language. Calling someone "stupid" or "s.o.b." will add fuel to the fire and is likely to cause the other person to retaliate violently.
• Avoid critical judgments such as "That's bad," or "You're wrong". Such conclusive statements deny what the other person is experiencing and will generate defensiveness.
• Avoid sweeping generalizations. "You always..." or "You never..." are accusations and will likely lead to justifications such as "Don't you remember when..."
• Avoid digging up the past. Listing all the "wrongs" and injustices done months and years ago will not win the person over to your side. Referring to what's past will show the other person that you hold a grudge and that you probably lie to yourself to make peace.
• Avoid mind reading or assuming that you know what the other person thinks and feels. Do not interrupt and finish the other person's sentences. Assuming that you know a person so well that you can predict what that person is experiencing is an act of arrogance, superiority, and foolishness. This tactic is a way of keeping a safe distance emotionally by limiting reactions and avoiding conflicts.
• Avoid silence, uncooperation, and listing allies or the people who are on your side.

And remember to:

• Act with integrity. Dirty fighting discredits you even more than it does the other person. It shows that you are insecure and afraid and may not even love the person whom you attack. Think about what you want to communicate about yourself with your style. Do you want to be viewed as hostile and abusive, or as caring? If you do not care about the relationship, why bother even fighting? Why not just leave?
• Be specific when you ask for some change. Identify what you like and dislike. Discuss when, where, and how.
• Ask for one change at a time. Asking for several changes at once will be confusing and distracting.
• Talk in the present. We can behave-or change our behavior-only in the present. Learn from the past, but don't use it as a weapon.
• Speak for yourself. Describe your experience of the problem without blaming others. Discuss your feelings, your actions, and your thoughts. Talking about yourself invites concern, blaming others invites defensiveness.
• State what you are willing to do about the situation. Asking questions doesn't make the response less valuable. It may be less romantic, but then again, romance is based on assumption and illusion.

When you ask others to do more for you, then let them know what you might do in return. One-sided requests rarely result in long-term change.

When you ask others to do less, you must explain why. If people's sarcastic remarks lead you to feel hurt or if their silence leaves you feeling left out or unloved, it is important to tell them of your reactions so that they have more information upon which to base any decision to change.

• Be responsible for your feelings and thoughts. What you feel is a product of your thinking and history of experience. The other person did not "make" you angry. You became angry as the result of some action. Instead of saying, "You make me..." say, "I feel ... when you..."
• Update people. People change over time, and if others operate on old impressions and information about what you like and dislike, then how do they know what to give you? Let people know who you are at this particular time.
• Clarify communications and don't end the argument before straightening things out as best you can. Never walk off in a huff feeling victimized or resentful. Make sure that both parties know and understand what the other person experiences.

Learn how to view conflict as an opportunity rather than as a dead end. Conflict will help you to learn and to grow. Fighting fairly for change is healthy and can lead to closeness once you recognize that:

• Change is difficult.
• Change takes time.
• You control yourself and your actions, not other people.